Moises Alou
NEW YORK METS
As part of his undisclosed signing bonus, Alou gets front-row tickets (as in, the entire front row to himself) to see faux-lesbian Russian pop duo t.A.T.u. whenever they visit New York. Other bonuses based on performance include t.A.T.u. ring tones, posters, and a lifetime supply of temporary t.A.T.u. tattoos. His, uh, daughters are big fans.
Royce Clayton
TORONTO BLUE JAYS
If he finishes the season with a batting average above .220, the Blue Jays pay him an extra $1 million. Finishing between .221 and .230 gets Royce a handicapped sticker on his car and the key to every bathroom in the city. If he does the impossible and hits above .231, Royce gets to choose any three people, players or citizens, to get beaned by B.J. Ryan fastballs.
Adam Eaton
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES
Upon signing, Eaton received a certified doctor’s note from the best psychiatrist in Philadelphia addressed to the commissioner’s office, informing them that he must wear an iPod while pitching to drown out the inevitable boos that come with playing in Philadelphia. This, the doctor argued, will keep Eaton’s fragile psyche in check, allowing the city’s residents to sleep in peace without worrying about another “ugly incident.”
Carlos Lee
HOUSTON ASTROS
In lieu of a personal limousine, Lee gets his own private white horse for commuting to and from the ballpark. The police have already been notified and he will be allowed in the carpool lane.
Gary Matthews Jr.
LOS ANGELES ANGELS
If he wins a Gold Glove Award, Gary Matthews Jr. can legally use it to kill 12 people.
Juan Pierre
LOS ANGELES DODGERS
During home games, Pierre is allowed to bring a small TV set into the dugout to keep track of the latest police chase through the L.A. urban sprawl. Once a month, he can miss a home game for “mental-health reasons,” allowing him to spend a night in an LAPD helicopter aiming the spotlight at evildoers.
Alfonso Soriano
CHICAGO CUBS
If the Cubs organization feels that he’s a liability at second base and wants to move him to the outfield, Soriano has the right to hold a press conference to claim that he’s “completely fine with this move,” “this is all my idea, seriously, guys,” and “I’m doing this for the good of the team.” For his compliance, the Tribune Company will bribe EA Sports to either (a) give his virtual doppelgänger a 99 rating in all of their baseball video games made in the next 4 years or (b) make him a hidden character in next year’s version of Madden. Soriano has hinted that he will choose the latter option.
Frank Thomas
TORONTO BLUE JAYS
If the Big Hurt loses 74 percent or more of his knee cartilage while playing on Toronto’s harsh FieldTurf, he will be awarded two brand-new bionic knees, allowing him to fulfill his destiny by competing in the 2008 Summer Olympics and bringing the triple-jump gold medal back home to America, where it belongs.
Woody Williams
HOUSTON ASTROS
Williams can opt out of his contract without penalty if he becomes the next host of The Price Is Right.