Short or tall. Muscular or lanky. Balding or potbellied. Visibly ravaged by shingles, or covered in flies. No matter your age, clothing, complexion, body shape, or fly-cover ratio, we at AXE believe that all men are great men, because also so does society.
Call us renegades, but we think the rich spectrum of male greatness that is totally divorced from physical appearance is something worth celebrating. That’s why we’re offering limited-edition body sprays to honor that spectrum, and to let every man out there know: Greatness comes in all shapes, sizes, and pay-grades that are at least 21% above a woman’s.
Take this choad-y little number, for example. We focused on some truly great details for our perilously round-in-the-middle bottle version, like the inner “clogged arteries” (a patented infusion of viscous musk and tobacco oil that we’ve looped through an inner tubing system made out of sausage casings). The outer plastic of the bottle features sun-damage-induced liver spots, accrued over years of carefree yachting off the coast of a foreign nation with lax tax codes. This bottle says to the world, “Hear me roar. And then hear me speculate before Congress about why rural women seek abortions just for the fun shopping trip to a major city.”
Or maybe you feel your greatness is more suited to our long, spindly bottle option. This one is 40% full of our signature peaty fragrance, derived from the ashes of old manuscripts that Jonathan Safran Foer burned in his Natalie Portman closet temple, and 60% full of hot air. As you spritz, that extra air allows the bottle to explain why identity politics are irrelevant, or how much better OK Computer sounds on vinyl, or how it can only come if it can do it on someone’s face. So loquacious, so unpredictably charming — just like you.
Finally, there’s our barrel-chested bottle. This ‘roided out nightmare fragrance is infused with hormones secreted by a hawk moments before it swallowed several mice whole, like so many furry little Klonopins. The outer plastic of the bottle is smooth as Patrick Bateman’s face after an herb-mint mask, taut as a tennis champ’s rear end. Its broad base reminds every man, be he a stockbroker or a futures trader or an investment banker or even a divisional controller, that he is, in fact, deeply great.
So the next time you complete an all-night congressional hearing to defund Planned Parenthood, or a passionate 20 minutes of avoiding your wife’s clitoris, hop in the shower, then reach for your signature AXE Male Greatness Bottle. Because male greatness comes in all shapes and sizes. But you knew that already.